Closure From ZyLimbron
by Zylimbron25
Summary: *COMPLETE* Stark comes to terms with recent events (Season 3 spoilers aplenty) PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! :-)
1. Confronting Past

**_Closure from Zy-Limbron_**

**_Part 1 – Confronting past_**

**__**

**Farscape**** and any related property is the product of the Jim Henson Company. This fiction is purely a product created for entertainment value and the author has received no material product or privilege for its creation. **

**Text taken from the episode "Wait for the Wheel" is the work of David Kemper (I think) and applies to the above criteria. **

_Speaking of story, I should probably point out that I haven't actually seen "Wait For The Wheel" (**Damm**** Star Trek **_**_Marathon_****_ on Sky one. Damm physically bigger brother_**_) and so am getting all my info from various episode guides and books. The DVD is in the mail but until then my details are probably sketchy, or indeed incorrect, many apologies . _

Zhaan had been the first.

She had been the one to show him that hands could do more than hurt, could do more than take. She had taught him how to forget sorrow, bury pain in the back of his mind, cover his darkness and feel only happiness, feel only joy. She had taught him how to recover so much of what he had feared lost, but above all she had taught him how to love.

It had been after Aeryn's _death_. He was unsure of everything except that he wanted with every fibre of his being to share the future with Zhaan. He told her...proposed...it was one of the hardest things he had ever done...but she had accepted. They had spent the night together, learning about each other, never a secret to be held in the unity that they shared. Stark had learned about love that night.

It had been the only time. Zhaan's sacrifice on the ice planet had brought both Aeryn and the sickness. Stark helped her in everyway he could think, comfort in the harder times, reminding her of the Goddess, and how she rewards selflessness. Zhaan would listen, resting her head against his shoulder, and often he would tell her to close her eyes and sleep…

…so that she couldn't see him cry.

Stark held the money in his hands, and despite the unquenchable relief he felt, a part of him still suffered the terrible guilt of disclosing something that had been so willingly entrusted to him, out of a final…silent act of revenge against the departed human.

Against the Crichton in Zy-Limbron, and the Crichton on Moya…if he ever discovered the game. A part of Stark hoped that he would but the other part…the part Zhaan had loved…prayed that he would never encounter the terrible sin.

Unfortunately, the peaceful, good part of Stark had long been buried by the darkness that had consumed him since Zhaan's death. He had tried to fight it, tried to remain strong the way she had taught him, but it grew inside and the madness he had thought finally quelled crept its way back into his demeanour until it seemed to outsiders all that he was. Not that he cared what other people thought of him any more…except maybe Aeryn. He cared what Aeryn thought.

Aeryn was so much like Zhaan…strong…beautifull…

…with…carrying…

…child

The madness was a functioning part of Stark now, it was Stark, and he made no effort to control it as he forced his hands into and through the thinly plastered wall of the hotel room. Dust fell around his face, forming a layer over the new mask he had constructed, using what he could salvage from the life pod of the Seer…his once remaining link to Zhaan and his unknown child…who he had helped over to the other side that previous night…exactly two solar nights after the Delvian spirit's revelation.

He tried to sleep…unable despite how tired he was…tired of life…tired of death. The echo of the break settled, became a whispering silence.

Whispering in his head…

"If I am so needed and so valued and so wise then you will honour my words. You will obey me. For the longest time I feared physical demise because my spiritual essence was suspect. But now I know I'm worthy. Now I know the transgressions have melted from my soul. Now I know I shall meet my goddess and be accepted to her bosom. Sensitive D'Argo, exuberant Chiana, wise Rygel, selfless Aeryn, innocent Crichton. My children, my teachers, my loves, there is no guilt, there is no blame, only what is meant to be. Grow through your mistakes and know that if patient redemption will find you".

_No Zhaan…do not leave do not do this…Moya needs your wisdom…the crew needs your guidance…I need you_

Words in my head…my scream out loud

"Wait for the wheel".

_Stop…please hear me…hear yourself…stop this madness_

"Thank you John Crichton".

_Zhaan…my soulmate…_

"Link with me my beautiful. Guide me to the place of rest. Melt into my spirit Stark so that I may share my last moments with the man I love".__

_I shall do as you bid, your final wish_

"Always together joined as one piece of mind, piece of spirit, piece of soul. Goodbye my love".

_Goodbye my love_

It had never been Zhaan's passing that had scared Stark the most but rather how calm she had been when the end had finally come. Even the strongest had a shadow of fear as they passed through Zy-limbron, even Stark still feared his final destination on occasion.

Maybe that was why he hadn't reacted quite the way everyone had expected, because in the end Zhaan had been so ready…positive of her actions. His words to Aeryn, to comfort her as much as to convince himself…of course he had been sad…but he had never truly allowed himself to grieve…Zhaan hadn't wanted him to be sad.

So why was he now? It had been nearly half a cycle, maybe more…why only now?__

_Forgive me…I did not know_

Zhaan's child…Stark's child…he had not known…and now he would never know.

The revelation…he wanted to scream…wanted Zhaan…wanted someone

…but no one was there except the darkness.

Or so he had thought at first.


	2. Confronting Present

**_Closure from Zy-Limbron_**

**_Part 2 – Confronting Present_**

**__**

**_If I had a million dollars, I would buy us both Farscape. _**

**_But I don't have a million dollars. _**

**_Frell. _**

Someone was there.

Maybe it was a dream. Stark could rarely separate his imagination from his reality in the present…but he felt that he could sense something in the darkness like he had sensed Sierjna on Talyn.

The darkness said nothing…but Stark knew he was there.

"Did you know Aeryn carried your child?"

It said nothing.

"Of course…how could you know? Only she and I knew. It was all over her thoughts but I did not say anything. It was not my place".

The darkness said nothing, but the 'sense' grew stronger…

"Do you wonder what your child will be like? Boy or girl…like it's mother or father…personality…first word first step first love?" He giggled, but it was an evil shadow of the happy sound. "Of course if your destination allows you can watch from wherever your spirit resides, and in that way perhaps you can still have the things I will never experience. My child, well my child rest where I can not reach now the doorway is closed…the Seer is dead…death is final…the end…the key".

Death…he could die that very moment if he wished…simply tear the mask away and allow himself to spill out into the world…return to the spirit realm. But deep down inside he knew that his final destination was different from Zhaan's, different believes…different actions, and it wasn't what she wanted for him. After her revelation in the spirit realm he had practically begged her to let him stay, but she had urged him to return to his corporeal form…told him to protect the Moya crew now that she could not. Guide them through hard times.

But he didn't even know where Moya was…Talyn had been gone for over three solar days now.

"Gone…everything taken from me….all gone…dead…taken by…"

"I'm sorry". The darkness interrupted him, and Stark's beliefs were confirmed, confident.

"Stop hiding from me you bastard". The Banik snapped, his vocabulary making good use of John's memory traces still within his broken mind.

A silhouette appeared by the window, set against the cityscape backdrop of Valldon's setting sun. From where he was sat Stark looked up, silently glaring at the silhouette as it walked out into the light of the hotel room. The Seer had been right, John was here…his spirit lived on, kept back by something…a power…the power of his love for Aeryn perhaps.

The 'shadow' of John walked into the light and gave Stark a small smile, but it was a pitying smile, a "feel sorry for the madman that lost his girl and kid" smile.

Stark simply glared and the smile went away. John knelt down, eye level with the sitting Banik and yet still a few feet in front, his hands rubbing each other as they rested on top of his knees. He took a deep breath, thinking about what to say.

"I'm sorry about your child…about Zhaan. If we had known…"

"Sorry about their deaths…or for being the reason that they died".

Crichton seemed slightly surprised by the remark. Stark had never before outwardly expressed his true feelings about the incident that had caused Zhaan's demise.

"I…"

"We could have gone to the planet, she could have been saved". Stark stated, gesturing like the madman his demeanour made him to be. "But you were more important…you were always more important…"

John was saying something in defence but Stark was beyond listening…beyond caring

"…always you…your neural clone…your planet…your side…your Zhaan. 'Aeryn is my zhaan, your killing my Zhaan'. Well why not YOU KILLED MINE! She was dying because of your Zhaan, the child innocent…they died for no reason…they died because of YOU!!!"

Without real warning he jumped up from his sitting position and launched himself full throttle at the Human, knocking them both to the ground as he hit him square in the face. Crichton hit back, and they fought violently, blinding each other with dust, scratching. After a full minute Stark managed to get his knee into Crichton's stomach and the Human gagged, giving the Banik the chance to pin him down, hands quickly moving to the Human's throat. Despite the obvious handicap of being dead, John began to feel himself getting light headed as air became thin. He tried to pull at the wrists, get them to release their grip, but he was unable.

"Astro, calm down and think this through". Crichton managed to croak as he thought fast, what would get through to his otherwise uncontrollable friend.

"I carried you over once, what's a second time".

Pressure built up.

John seemed close to passing out, eyes fluttering, voice just above a whisper. "Would Zhaan approve of this use of violence?" Stark's words…echo.

Zhaan, would she condone such meaningless acts, violence based on nothing more than hatred? The wide eyed Banik's grip loosened around the Human's neck and Crichton seized the opportunity. His legs flipped, throwing Stark over his head and into the far wall. Crichton braced himself for the counterattack, but it never came. Stark was simply staring at the wall.

John sat up, rubbing at his sore throat. Silent moments passed, neither of them saying anything until the Human decided to break the silence.

"I…I got selfish, overexcited. The wormhole seemed my one ticket home…I wasn't thinking and because of that Zhaan died. But it had reason…it had purpose. Because of her sacrifice Aeryn is alive, D'Argo and Chiana, Jool, Pilot, Rygel, even my bloody copy, they're all still alive. You are alive Stark because of her love for everyone, everything. In the end she chose to die to protect the people that she loved, to protect us. Knowing that makes it easier…makes me glad that I knew her…proud that I knew her. I only wish that I had half the guts to do what she did that day, what she did for us all…I'm sorry"

_…there is no blame, only what is meant to be_

"It was her choice…she served others until the end…and the child she bore will now only ever now content peace. Nothing about that is meaningless, only how I reacted". Pain and fear made Stark start to shiver. "I loved her because of that. She was so caring, she was beautiful. When she died she was so peaceful, so sure of her destination. Her sacrifice was worthy of a place beside the Goddess, revered and honourable…"

Had he dishonoured her sacrifice like nothing more than a pathetic creature driven by revenge? Hatred, negativity based on selfishness.

"Once cycles ago I knew only forced servitude, agony and humiliation. They used me to guide their dying, and when I wasn't needed they put me in a box alone, or in the chair still alone, but I never cared because that was all I knew of the world, being property of whoever paid the highest price. Even after I was freed from the cell I still knew little of my true abilities as an individual, and I wandered the territories for a cycle lost and confused. In the end it was Zhaan who gave me true freedom. She was so wise, full only of care and guidance. She helped me to grow beyond the life I had led. I felt so strong when she was beside me, so sure so…safe".

His tears started to fall, slowly at first; getting faster…so many that it seemed impossible they only came from one eye.

"Then she was gone and I was lost and confused like before…afraid so afraid…remembering everything…remembering the fire…my anger about it…anger for you. It consumed me, always on my mind, mocking me in the shadow. Then I discovered the child and was angry because it had died without knowing life…I had never even known about it. I let my feelings control me, let it…"

He felt himself starting to let go, but swallowed it back, burning his raw throat. He curled up as tightly as he could on his side, hurting from the fight…his impact with the wall…and yet so much more from inside…everything Zhaan had taught him, her wisdom and with it what had he done? He had hit Crichton, who was blameless, one of the only other people he could possibly connect to, the only one who really understood the Banik. He had created the terrible game, and there was no time to stop the merchant from leaving Valldon. A void seemed to consume him, so unbearable that he would have willingly ripped out of his own skin just to escape. Never had he felt this way before, hating himself and the world so much in that small moment. "What am I doing…what have I done?" Shaking now he was so afraid…would Zhaan hate him now…despise what they had had.

"I'm sorry". He whispered, his voice close to breaking. "I'm sorry for everything, I was blinded…rage…I couldn't see the true meaning…I couldn't see".

"I understand". John said. "And so does Zhaan. Can't you feel her in the room? She and the child are beside you…still guiding you. They have always been here; you just haven't known where to look".

_Zhaan__ was watching him, he could not see her, but through John he could sense her presence. Did that mean, Had she… _"Can she ever forgive?" He silently begged.

"She has already found forgiveness, what little was needed".

"Does she still…" Despite everything, could she still love the monster he felt he had become?

Something touched his shoulder, so distant Stark almost didn't feel it. He flinched in surprise…tried to recoil away but it held firm, another gripping his arm tightly.

"Yes". One word from John, but it was enough to let the cycle begin.

"Thank you". Stark managed to mutter, quietly repeating the words over and over, letting his emotions run freely now, shuddering as he let go of everything he had held inside for so long, the mantra whispered under his breath. His pain…the pain of the dead…the pain of her death…a lifetime hidden in a growing darkness that now had finally been quelled by hope's light. He was not alone, had never been alone, he could feel Zhaan there, all around him like the air. Time passed and with it the tears, but by then his body felt too heavy for him to move. He lay where he was and upon its own accord his eye closed under the weight.

"Stark, You okay Astro?" John whispered. Stark wanted to reply, but for the first time in half a cycle he could actually feel himself drifting, relief washing over his entire body like a wave and bringing with it an almost crippling fatigue. The grip on his arm tightened and he nodded weakly.

John kept holding him, whispering what little comfort he could, until the former slave was asleep.


	3. Confronting Future

**_Closure from Zy-Limbron_**

**_Part 3 – Confronting Future_**

**__**

**_One day a prince will come…and buy me Farscape_**

**_He has yet to arrive_**

Normally Stark feared sleep, the momentary drop in his defences that allowed the dead in, allowed them to taunt him, memories to ridicule him. So when he did sleep it was in short bursts, waking to recover, drifting off to return and waking again. Many times on Talyn had he annoyed Rygel to the point that the Hynerian was considering either bunking with Crais or suicide to escape the Banik's constant mutterings and screams as he slept, fought with the dead.

How ironic it seemed that Stark's sleep that night on Valldon, the world of the dead, should be uninterrupted, tranquil. It was strange to feel so rested when he woke. No nightmares to plague him, no voices to eat away at his fragile nature. He was curled up in a foetal position on the floor, still facing the wall of the dark room. It was night outside, but he could sense the fast approaching dawn.

Slowly he sat up, legs crossed, hands rested on his knees, listening to the silence…a lack of sound so completely new to him, and enjoyed the feeling of complete contentment that it brought, the security of his new knowledge, the safety in its revelations.

"Sleep well?" So absorbed has he been in the silence and his own thoughts that the sudden burst of noise startled him.

Stark spun himself round, his head rolling slightly at the sudden burst of movement he had inflicted upon it. "Yes". He replied, relaxing.

"Not surprised. You've been completely out of it for aerns". John was sat by the window, staring out at the shadows of buildings, looking round to study the pattern the broken light made on the floor around and across the seated Banik. "I actually wondered if **_you_** were dead".

"I can not die yet". Of that he was certain now. "Zhaan has chosen me as her proxy. She wants me to find Moya, to protect her family spiritually in time of need. Continue her teachings and argue her will, the will of the Goddess". Stark bowed his head for a moment; eye closed. He had listened to his own voice as he spoke, surprised by how…'normal' it sounded, sane. "It was her desire from the start". He finished, proudly.

"I think she chose well". John said. There was a sudden but noticeable sense of sadness about the human then. His understanding that his corporeal time in the world had been cut short; he was little more than a shadow of a former self who had strayed from the path and now waited to be reminded of the way. "I only wish I could help". He knew he couldn't leave Valldon, this world between worlds would now be his only reality, unless…

"You already have helped in more ways than can ever be repaid". Stark stood and moved to stand in front of John. "Your words showed the way when I was lost, led me to understand my past, and my purpose"

"Now I shall show you your way". The Banik held out his hand the way the human had shown him once, a symbol of hello and goodbye, of acquaintances and…above all…friends…"Farewell John Crichton my friend, until our final meeting". His free hand reached up, began to unbuckle his mask, ready to return the freedom that the Human had given, the release. John had guided him, now he would guide the Human one last time to the final resting place. A pitiful reward it seemed to the Banik, but appreciation none the less.

John understood what was about to happen, and despite a small inkling of fear he managed an almost mischievous grin. "See yah at Zee limbo". He leaned over from where he was sat on the sill, took Stark's hand and shook it.

"Zy-Limbron". Stark almost laughed as he corrected his naïve friend. It felt good to smile again after so long in the dark. "Thank you". He whispered as his hand left John's and he slowly removed the makeshift mask, allowing his essence to light the pathway to the other side. He began to chant under his breath, a strange mixture of his native tongue and the poetic Delvian Zhaan had taught him over the cycle they had known each other.

John gave a quick wave as his image faded into translucency, nothingness, his journey finally beginning to the final destination, the place of deserving souls like the John Crichton's, like Zhaan's. As Stark replaced the mask another light replaced the one he had taken away, through the window. Stark remained in the sunlight, let the warmth glow bathe him. Another smile and this time it held.

Four days ago he had found Zhaan's soul only to loose his own, but now he was certain again. She was safe and would always be watching over him in the hard times, even now he could feel her warm presence surrounding him, and John Crichton would always be watching her, protecting Zhaan and her child until the day Stark could join them again.

Until then, he would follow his own forgotten advice from long ago, and carry on in her spirit, positive and hopeful.

Of course not always would he be able to, but he knew that on those solar days he would have friends to help him them, be them corporeal or within…he would never truly be alone.

His search for Zhaan was over. The next day he began a new search…a search for Moya.

**_Later Scaper : - )_**


End file.
